Sleepwalker
by caffinate-me
Summary: She had always refused to see why Castle had been a source of strain between them, but now Royce's note burned a hole through the fabric of her pants pocket, branding her hip with its words. Post TLaDiLA one-shot based on a tumblr prompt from Anonymous.


 _Love isn't all that it seems I did you wrong  
I'll stay here with you until this dream is gone_

"Kate?"

Kate's eyes dropped to the floor at the same time as her bag. Josh was staring at her bleary-eyed from his place propped on his elbows on the couch.

"Hey," she replied, her voice gravel, and she forced a ghost of smile to her lips. The door was still open behind her, keys dangling from her finger. "Whatcha doin here?"

"Just got off a double. Saw your text that your flight was getting in tonight." Josh explained, heaving himself up so he was sitting. "How was L.A.? You catch the guy that killed your friend?"

"Yeah," she whispered, clearing her throat. "Yeah, we got him."

"We?"

"Me and Castle. He just showed up, on my flight."

A shadow fell over Josh's sleep-hazed features. She had always refused to see why Castle had been a source of strain between them, but now...

Royce's note burned a hole through the fabric of her pants pocket, branding her hip with its words.

"Ah."

"So, yeah." She forced a bright smile to her face, hands shifting at her sides, searching for purchase on her hip. "I'm starving, plane food, you know? Want to order some late dinner? Or maybe go out? We haven't been out in a while."

Josh levered himself from the couch and shuffled across the small space of her apartment to the entry. His hair was in that adorable disarray he always awoke with, three days worth of scruff coating his cheeks.

"Actually, I think I'm just going to go home."

"Josh, hey." Her hand reached out, fingers catching his as he shoved his feet into his shoes. "What's going on?"

"You sleep with him?" The words cut through space as sharp as the look in his eyes.

"N-no." Kate croaked in reply, her fingers struggling between gripping tighter or letting him go.

"You want to?"

Her answer stayed, strangled in her throat, and Josh's eyes dropped to where their hands met. With a nod he twisted his fingers from hers.

"Call me when you're ready to talk."

The sound of the slamming door reverberated through the apartment, and then silence.

 _I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire  
But it's the only place that I can hold you tight_

It was the cacophony of beeps that woke her. Beeping and pain— shooting, pervasive. Beeping, pain and suffocation.

Her hand flailed out, reaching for her face as the panic raced through her chest, burning her lungs.

"Kate. Kate, hey it's okay. Relax, you have a breathing tube. Just let it breathe for you until we take it out. Just a minute. I've got you."

Her heart rate slowed. His voice always made her feel better. Its low tenor whispering in her ear as he had held her against the car, soothing her into knowing he had her, she was safe. Hovering over her, his body shading her from the afternoon sun, words of love falling from his lips. She had had to make it, for him.

Her eyelids fluttered open, lips straining to smile around the tube and tape, throat aching to say his name. Only, the smile fell, her brow furrowed when her vision focused on the man next to her, murmuring to her while he checked her vitals. It was wrong.

She spluttered when they pulled the tube out, her mouth open in a silent scream, but the pain in her throat was nothing compared to the searing heat that jolted through her chest when the coughing wracked her body.

"Josh?" She whispered, her voice a scrap of sound.

"Hey, babe. How you feeling?"

"Hurt." Her brain grasped for context, for anything, but there was nothing but blurred images and pain.

"Yeah," he chuckled low, humorless. "Bullets and surgery will do that. I'll get the nurse to adjust your morphine, get you a pump now that you're awake."

"Happen?" Her head sunk into the flimsy pillow. It wasn't right. Her pillows were fluffier than this. Her blankets softer. And her bedroom smelled like sandalwood or lavender, not antiseptic.

"You were shot, Kate. Do you remember? You were giving the eulogy at Captain Montgomery's funeral. You scared the hell out of me when I saw you on that gurney." His voice was too calm. Placating.

Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes when they squeezed shut, leaving wet trails down her temples, pooling in her ears. Images flashed at her from behind the dark of her eyelids, screams echoing. Her eyes flew open, focused on bright blue eyes hovering over her.

"Castle?" Her tongue slurred over the name, her body flooded with exhaustion.

Josh sighed, the sound lingering in the room. "He's fine. Everyone else is fine. You're… going to be fine, Kate."

 _I had a dream about a burning house  
You were stuck inside, I couldn't get you out  
I laid beside you and pulled you close  
And the two of us went up in smoke  
_

It was the right thing to do. Their relationship had been sick for a long time, to let it go on any longer would have been inhumane. They had barely spoken since her return from L.A.. But the grief still lingered in her heart; the guilt gnawed at her gut. How many times had she closed her eyes to imagine a different face over hers, a different body against her own. How long had she lied to herself? How had she let a rebound turn into a year-long relationship?

She stared out the single window of her private room when the door shut behind him, a finality in that soft click. Anticlimactic.

The array of flowers decorating the space had started to wilt, petals floating to the table, to the floor. The custodial staff tsked every time they came to clean. Part of her wanted to tell them to just take them all. Throw them away, disperse them to the other patients. She didn't care. She felt more at home with the stark walls and sterile linens anyway. She didn't deserve any well wishes. But it was all or nothing, and she couldn't bring herself to get rid of that one bouquet– the peach, orange and green blooms cheerfully smiling back at her. The one she made sure the night nurse had placed in her direct eyeline so she could see it. Always.

Kate sighed and let her head fall back against the pillow. Josh had thought it was a line. _You deserve better than me, than this._

She didn't deserve either of them.

 _See you at a party and you look the same  
I could take you back but people don't ever change  
_

Five years. Part of her was amazed it had taken so long, the other wished it had happened at any other time. New York was a small town for a big city. Running into the ghosts of your past was inevitable. She hadn't even considered it when Castle had asked her to accompany him to the fundraiser for the pediatric wing of the hospital.

" _Come on, Beckett. It's for the kids. Plus, it's always good to get on the good side of the people who will be responsible for delivering your baby. With enough smooth talking we could even get the VIP suite."_

Her hand fell to the swell of her belly at the memory. Because of course she had relented. She had had every intention of going from the moment she had seen the gilded invitation in the mail. This was the hospital that had saved her life. This was the hospital that had nourished him back to health after being found in that damn dingy. This was the hospital that could, god forbid anything ever happen to him, save their son's life someday. She smirked. Sometimes it was nice to see him squirm. He had even pulled out the puppy dog eyes and real coffee to entice her.

So, she had splurged on a dress that didn't make her feel like a whale, fished out her lowest heels, and found herself face-to-face with her ex-boyfriend while she sipped sparkling cider from a champagne flute.

"Kate. Hi."

His wide eyes flickered from her face to her protruding stomach and back up again, in disbelief, the brunette on his arm giving her a polite, if guarded, smile.

"Hey, Josh. It's been awhile." She greeted, her voice warm. It was always that way now— richer, calmer. Castle said it was a sign that motherhood already suited her. She insisted it was the hormones.

"It has. Definitely. I would ask how you are but you're glowing, literally. How's the…?" His hand waved in the general direction of her chest and the heel of her hand pressed against her sternum in reflex.

"It's fine. Good." Her hand dropped to her belly, soothing the little boy who insisted on kickboxing at the most inopportune times. "Doctor said everything is perfect."

"Good. That's great. I'd heard you'd gotten married but part of me couldn't believe it."

She smiled despite the unintentional sting of his words. Marriage had never been in the cards for them. Even a year into their relationship there had been no mention of it. Marriage, kids, cohabitation. An exchange of keys was as far as they had gotten. "Yeah, just over two years now."

"Congratulations. Oh, and where are my manners, this is Hope. She's a pediatric fellow here at the hospital. We met on a MSF trip to the Congo."

The other woman dropped her assessment long enough to grasp Kate's hand in her own.

"Hope," Josh continued. "This is Detective-"

"Captain, actually." Kate interrupted with a polite smile, Hope's grip just a bit too strong around her own.

"Oh, right. I read that too. Captain Kate Beckett, NYPD." Josh amended, a hint of pride in his voice.

"Hey, Beckett. They didn't have those little sausages you've been craving but they did have those same meatballs from the Mayor's party last week. I got you as many as I could fit on the plate."

Kate turned, a smile lighting up her face, when her husband wandered up, plates teetering on his arm.

"Made it all the way over here from the buffet without a single spill," Castle bragged when she relieved him of one of the plates, leaving him one to each palm.

"Such skill," Kate laughed with a shake of her head. "Castle, you remember Josh, and this is Hope."

"Rick."

Castle nodded, his chest puffing out and Kate rolled her eyes. Men.

"Well, it was great seeing you. We should find our table," Josh cut off the staring contest he and Castle had been locked in.

"It was good to see you too." Kate replied, stepping back before rocking forward again. "Josh?"

"Hmm?" He lifted his eyes back to her, Hope threading her arm through his.

"I'm sorry."

His smile turned pensive. "Don't be."

 _I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night  
Trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right_

 _In this burning house_

* * *

Prompt: Can you do the after effects of TLaDiLA?

Lyrics: Burning House by Cam.

MSF= Médecins Sans Frontières (Doctors Without Borders)

A/N: thank you to the anon who left this prompt and to Kate Christie for the beta.


End file.
